Comedy Short Stories

The Grass is Greener if You Eat it

          I can remember relaxing in the shade of the great oak and feeling the cool breeze in my face from the surrounding pastures. The aromas of fresh grass would make me hunger for dinner. I would then rush to meet up with my mother and begin to stuff my stomachs full of grass and feast on the community salt lick for desert. My childhood was filled with vibrant memories of these simple times where I had no goals or responsibilities. My carefree life was about to turn upside down as my journey to the Great Open Pastures would begin. The thought of this quest filled my heart with pride and made me proud to be a cow.

          Some of my earliest and happiest memories are of my mother telling me of her life lessons and how I could learn from them. These lessons were on Saturday evenings as we sat under the oak tree and peered up at the stars. One of the many lessons that stuck with me to this day is of my uncle. Her words flowed off her tongue as she told the story. "The burning orb was hanging high in the sky and I saw your uncle moving towards the dividing fence. By the time I could yell at him to stop it was too late. A booming crack came forth and he was thrown backwards in a violent manor. He was motionless on the ground for some time before his hoof started to twitch. He soon regained all of his sense and managed to get back on all fours." My mother stopped her story and began to laugh aloud. I wondered why she found this disturbing event so funny and entertaining. After a few moments she had regained her composure and continued. "As I found out later your Father had given your uncle some dried field grass to smoke. The kicker was that he had laced it with manure as a practical joke. The smoking cocktail is what made him meander into the dividing fence. This incident resulted in leaving smoldering blackened marks across his face. These marks traveled downwards from his right eye to the left corner of his mouth. He had apparently cocked his head ever so slightly before impact." We busted out into a hoof stomping laughter that made our sides almost burst. The euphoria of laughter soon led to a blissful nights sleep under the moonlight.

          My body grew by the day and was soon a stout young bovine. My intellect grew in unison which caused me to search for more answers. Thankfully my mother was patient and listed to all the questions and gave me the best answers she could provide. These lengthy conversations led to me forming general philosophies and ideals of the meaning of the pasture. I recall one rather sunny day in particular when I asked my mother an important question. "Who lives in the other fields? Are they different from us? Why do the bipeds treat them differently than us?" The questions were flying out of my mouth and my mother had to hush me into silence. She responded with "You know that there are three fields that surround us. To the South are the Holsteins and they are the most looked after by the bipeds. They are the most catered to by the bipeds and have the most luxurious shelters. They have sturdy roofs to keep them dry when it rains and climate controlled for the hottest days. They have no worries in life as the bipeds wait on the hand and hoof. They are so spoiled that we refer to them as the snobs of the fields."

          She gets up and walks around the base of great oak to stretch her legs. "Then there are the Borden's that reside in the field to the East. The bipeds enjoy the Borden's because they supply a dark milk substance that seems to satisfy their sweet tooth. Their shelters are very shanty, but this doesn't seem to bother them. They seem more concerned with protesting for free fields and equality. They all smoke dried field grass and gorge themselves with food. The bipeds ignore their criminal activity as long as they supply them with their sweet-toothed substance. I refer to them as the Grass-Heads."

          My mother stops her pacing and lies back down beside me. The smell of rain is heavy in the air and we will soon have our weekly shower. She peered into the distance and watched the burning orb fall to the ground and disappeared from sight. My mothers' eyes caught mine and she smiled. "I really enjoy watching the burning orb go to bed." I smile back and ask about the last field. She continues, "The last field is to our West where the dangerous Bessie's lurk. They are a vicious bunch of bandits that spring on unsuspecting victims. I am going to tell you a story that will be hard to listen to, but you must know the truth. It all happened on a cool evening after your father consumed an abundant amount of curdled milk. He went to the West border by mistake to purchase dried field grass from the Borden's. Much to his surprise he came face to face with an outraged Bessie warrior. Your father tried to back away but only stumbled awkwardly backwards. The Bessie knew he was weak and leaped the dividing fence with ease. The Bessie warrior moved with lightning speed and had immobilized your father with several quick blows to the face and neck. Your father slumped to the ground and the warrior picked him up and deposited him over the dividing fence. That was the last time that I saw your father." I was shocked as my mother had told me that my father had made his way to the Great Open Pastures. It took me some time to fully comprehend the story and began to weep for my father.

          I woke to the sounds of the pasture and looked around for my mother. I got up and made my way towards the feed area but couldn't locate her. I meandered around the pasture and saw her in the distance and to my surprise she was at the North dividing fence. I walked up behind her and she was fixated at something on the gravel road. Then I realized what she was looking at. The fence with wheels was sitting on the blackened grassless surface. My heart jumped out of my throat as I knew the time had come for me to begin my journey to the Great Open Pastures. I could see the line forming and the bipeds were running around getting the fence with wheels prepared for the journey. I look at my mother and she moved her nose in contact with mine. Her eyes were filled with tears and said, "I love you." I looked into her eyes and responded, "I love you too."

          I got into the line and could hardly contain my excitement on the journey. The line begins to move and I can see the bipeds loading other bovines into the fence with wheels. I hope that there is enough room to accommodate me as I don't want to miss out on the Great Open Pastures. The line moves forward and I soon find myself at a sloping ramp and being helped by one of the bipeds. The fit is rather tight and I realize that I am the last bovine on the fence with wheels. I am so happy to finally be making the journey and I have a great seat.

          The fence with wheels begins to move and we all cheer in unison. The wind begins to whip through my face and reminds me of the days under the old oak tree. I peer through the holes and I can see the bipeds as we pass by. Large structures seem to endlessly drift past my sight and as time progresses they become taller and taller. I can only speculate that the bipeds inhabit these structures that are bigger than our pasture. The burning orb in the sky is keeping my face warm as the wind blows ever faster across my body. I become mesmerized by the haze of structures and bipeds as I loose track of time. The next thing I remember is a heavy odor in the air like nothing I have ever experienced. Would the Great Open Pastures have such foul air?

          The burning orb in the sky slowly drops to the ground and the darkness takes over. The wind in my face gives me a small chill and I try to shake it off. I can hear clamoring from the other Bovine about the much cooler air and I wonder where we are at. The wonderment soon comes to an end as my eyes close from the day's events. My dreams fill my minds eye with vivid pictures of tall grass rolling with a slight breeze. The light of the day hangs ominously just waiting for something to happen. I scamper across the open field with high grass gently impacting my face. The wind engulfs my body and I begin to weep out of joy. Then everything goes black and I awaken to find that the fence with wheels has finally stopped.

           My stomachs churn as my excitement level increases but the bipeds stand around the fence with wheels as if they are waiting for something. I can hear loud noises as if something was being dragged across the ground. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a shinny walkway from the fence with wheels to the ground. The bipeds soon release the locking mechanism and we are free from our confines. I can finally stretch out my legs and away I go down the steep shinny walkway. The bipeds guide me down a narrow field with a strange shinny ground that is cool to my hoof. The chill of the ground and my excitement give me a boost. The bipeds move me forward until I reach a dividing wall with a closed fence. I can feel all of the other bovine pile up behind me as there is no way around one another. I again hear clamoring about why we have stopped here. I can tell everyone is growing impatient with the wait so I clear my voice and begin to speak. "Cattle… Prepare yourselves for the last test before the Great Open Pastures!" I hear them all stop talking and take deep breaths. I look around and notice a biped is approaching me with a shinny object. The biped walks over to me and looks right into my eyes and holds the shinny object tight against my forehead. Suddenly a sharp pain shoots through my head and everything goes black.

          My next cognitive thought is floating above my physical body as it travels down rollers with bipeds on either side. The bipeds are removing parts of my body and placing them in sealed containers. Now I finally understand that my meaning in life was to supply ribs, steaks and the occasional heart attack to the bipeds. My body floats up through the clouds and into a very peaceful place. I land gently on the ground and from behind me a voice rings out. "Welcome to the Great Open Pastures my son."