Comedy Short Stories

The Bling Phone


          I woke to a glorious Saturday morning and my thoughts were already on the football games slotted for the afternoon and evening hours. I pictured my body lazily draped over the couch with my feet propped up on the comfy ottoman. This vision would be my prize for a few hours of chores. They were simple and mindless as I had completed them week in and week out. The first mission on tap would be to tidy both floors of the children's toys and discarded clothing. This was the precursor and more time consuming part of the sweeping event. I am always amazed at my son's clutter in a weeks' time and sometimes wonder if I had also been that bad. This thought would soon pass as time poured away quickly. My heart jumped as the time to remove the sweeper from its closet confines was upon me. I always struggle with the power cord and getting it properly draped across my hand while keeping it from the sweepers consuming path. There were many cords that lost their lives in the course of standard duty. Thankfully it only took me two rooms to regain my cord skill and was soon finished with the upstairs. I then swept my way down the flight of stairs and into the living room. As I removed the floor debris in long clean rows, like cutting the grass, something shiny revealed itself from under the cushion of the couch. At first glance I thought it was my daughter's toy bling phone but upon further review it was indeed real. I stared at the device for quite some time before I realized the sweeper was still running and producing a carpet bald spot.

          The silence of sweeper-less noise filled the air as my full attention was on the gem encrusted cell phone. Who in the world does this belong to? Had my wife procured this as her new work phone and forgot to mention it? Surely my wife wouldn't have purchased this for my three year old daughter. I had to know who this belonged to and flipped the phone open. Upon further investigation the area code was the same and the numbers on the phone were not recognizable. There were several gems missing and the others were worn which gave the device a well-used look. This was a simple flip phone with no email but did indicate that there were multiple voicemails. Perhaps one of these messages would reveal its true owner? Just as that thought entered my mind the phone rang and nearly gave me a heart attack. Now the question in my mind was if I should answer it. Several tense moments passed and I answered, "Hello." I then realized just how stupid that sounded on a phone that I didn't own. There was a voice at the other end that sounded angered, "Why did you steal my cell phone? The phone company can track it through the GPS connection and you will go to jail." I cleared my throat and said, "I just found your phone in the seat cushion of my sofa." The angered female voice seemed to doubt my statement as she replied. "You want me to believe that you found my phone in your sofa at your house? I am calling the police." The phone went dead and I couldn't believe what had just happened. As I fumbled with redialing the phone it rang again and I answered. "Mam, I didn't steal your phone." The voice on the other line was not female but a deep male voice. "This is the phone carrier and we have tracked the stolen device to your residence. The police are on their way. I am now shutting the service down on the phone." The call ended abruptly and I sat down on the couch trying to think of what I needed to do next. This silent thought didn't last long as there were several loud bangs at the door and shouts to give myself up. Upon opening the door, the officers saw the sparkly phone in my hand and arrested me on the spot. The handcuffs were tight and uncomfortable as they adorned my wrists in the police car. I was amazed at the speed in which they had responded and disappointed that I would miss the football games.