Comedy Short Stories

2013 Thought of the Week


  • December 22nd to December 28th -- Father time and Mother Nature worked in conjunction to bring in the New Year, 2014! Happy New Year to all!!
  • December 15th to December 21st -- Santa and Mrs. Claus went out on Black Friday to get some extra presents for Christmas but there was a problem. The naughty kids purposely kept them from getting what they wanted and lived up to their reputation.
  • December 8th to December 14th -- I just heard that Santa's cholesterol is up based on his last health check. His doctor told him to cut out all the red reindeer meat from his diet.
  • December 1st to December 7th -- I caught the Christmas tree and the lamp shade making out. A few weeks later we had a litter of tea lights running around.
  • November 24th to November 30th -- About a week ago I saw a bunch of wild turkey's in the field behind our house. A brilliant idea came to my mind that I would capture one of them for Thanksgiving dinner. One problem quickly arose in that I didn't have a gun to shoot. So, I grabbed a 2 x 4 out of the garage and took to the field in wait for the turkeys. As dusk came upon the field I heard the sounds of multiple gobbles. I prepared my 2 x 4 and as they came within range I jumped out and swung. To my surprise I missed all of them blindly and it seemed to anger them. The next few minutes were a blur as they beat me to within a hair of my life. As I crawled back to the house I made a mental note to run by the grocery to purchase a prepackaged bird. All went well until this morning, Thanksgiving, when I took the trash out. There was spray paint across the front of the house reading, "We know who you are!" I knew right there and then I had pissed off the Turkey Mafia.
  • November 17th to November 23rd -- I had a dream last night that the birthday candles i blew out jumped from the cake and kicked my ass. Apparently they didn't like the idea of being set on fire!
  • November 10th to November 16th -- I worked so hard today my brain smoked. A bit of motor oil in the noggin and all is right in the world!
  • November 3rd to November 9th -- I overheard the carpet claiming it was more important than its support system the padding. The padding rebutted with “you just get stepped on throughout the day while I keep you in place.” I knew that the arguing between the carpet and padding would never cease as in reality they were equally important.
  • October 27th to November 2nd -- I had a dream last night that the birthday candles i blew out jumped from the cake and kicked my ass. Apparently they didn't like the idea of being set on fire!
  • October 20th to October 26th -- I worked so hard today my brain smoked. A bit of motor oil in the noggin and all is right in the world!
  • October 13th to October 19th -- It was that time of year as the leaf turned brown and eventually fell to its impending death.
  • October 6th to October 12th -- What did the cross-eyed right eye say to the left eye? Looks like lefty is loose!
  • September 29th to October 5th -- It was a tragic event as the search engine lost its will to search for user input strings.
  • September 22nd to September 28th -- There was a picture sitting in a picture frame that did nothing but stare at the same plaid couch. Over time it got cataracts from the buildup of dust on the frame.
  • September 15th to September 21st -- The bottle of Rum was facing a lifetime of therapy after his captors drank his entire liquid soul.
  • September 8th to September 14th -- My dog found a bone buried in the backyard that he used to bribe the skeleton at Halloween.
  • September 1st to September 7th -- I overheard the carpet claiming it was more important than its support system the padding. The padding rebutted with "you just get stepped on throughout the day while I keep you in place." I knew that the arguing between the carpet and padding would never cease as in reality they were equally important.
  • August 25th to August 31st -- Do you think the NFL raises their own pigs to supply the footballs / pigskins?
  • August 18th to August 24th -- Three flies were playing Russian roulette the other night. After numerous close calls, Bob lost control and hit face first into the bug zapper. Several moment of burning fly flesh later the other two commented on what a worthless flyer Bob was. It was at that moment that a giant fly swatter came down upon them which resulted in no one winning the game.
  • August 11th to August 17th -- I had a dream this morning that when my Sunday ended the Earth shifted left and got to repeat Sunday again!!
  • August 4th to August 10th -- I just got back from the doctor to be treated for having a bad squeal. The cause as the doctor told me was that I ate too much bacon. In hindsight, a small price to pay.
  • July 28th to August 3rd -- Labor day is really tired after closing all those pools yesterday.
  • July 21st to July 27th -- If cars could fly, would state inspections include no drips? Hot motor oil on the head would suck!! Although windshield wiper fluid could help clean off our sun glasses!!
  • July 14th to July 20th -- I spent my life savings on a urinal company and in hindsight I pissed my money away.
  • July 7th to July 13th -- There once was a man who was allergic to water so he drank Wesson Oil and his skin looks wonderful.
  • June 30th to July 6th -- A divert from the normal program to say Happy Independence Day!
  • June 23rd to June 29th -- So you think that the month of February feels inconsequential to the other bigger months like May or December?
  • June 16th to June 22nd -- It has rained here so much that the fish drowned.
  • June 9th to June 15th -- I was hanging out with a sheep last week that was the inspiration for Woolite.
  • June 2nd to June 8th -- Have you ever seen someone drop their cell phone in a urinal because they 'HAD' to take a call?
  • May 26th to June 1st -- Do you think silk worms admire their work when they look at catalogs of ties?
  • May 19th to May 25th -- I think that insulation is like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to an attic. It's like peanut butter in the winter and jelly in the summer!
  • May 12th to May 18th -- So you ever wish there was an undo button in life so that you can fix something stupid?
  • May 5th to May 11th -- My hair stopped growing when I was born.
  • April 28th to May 4th -- I am a water sign and my wife is a Earth sign and together we make mud.
  • April 21st to April 27th -- I remember the days when the TV station would go to fuzz and I would imagine it was ant races.
  • April 14th to April 20th -- I fell out of my car while driving the other day and cracked my head open and my brain poured out and cooked like an egg on the street.
  • April 7th to April 13th -- I was talking to the dog this morning while he was outside pooping and I was drinking my cup of coffee.
  • March 31st to April 6th -- So who would win between a three way bulb, caterpillar and thimble in a three legged race?
  • March 24th to March 30th -- I just saw a can of paint huffing a human.
  • March 17th to March 23rd -- I had a dream the other night that I punched PacMan in the face giving him a black eye and all the ghosts made fun of him.
  • March 10th to March 16th -- The keyboard I just bought has a germ problem and refuses to allow me to type.
  • March 3rd to March 9th -- My arm is killing me from arm wrestling a bovine yesterday in the neighbors pasture.
  • February 24th to March 2nd -- I just watched an entertaining battle between Times New Roman and Garamond!
  • February 17th to February 23rd -- Do you think a Tracheotomy Hole was the inspiration for a PEZ dispenser?
  • February 10th to February 16th -- There once was a stubborn router that kept switching from RIP to BGP and causing huge traffic jams!
  • February 3rd to February 9th -- I wonder if tree's get self-conscience when they lose all of their leaves in the fall?
  • January 27th to February 2nd -- Are there vegan Lions and Tigers?
  • January 20th to January 26th -- I knew a man that had two butt cracks and when he sat on the toilet he was able to play tennis from crack to crack!
  • January 13th to January 19th -- I saw a depressed lightning bug the other day with a blue glow and I just felt sad for him.
  • January 6th to January 12th -- We had super charged snow the other night due to lightning and when they hit the ground they began shocking each other!
  • December 30th to January 5th -- The day after Happy New Year was filled with dead brain cells and blurry vision so I say bring it on 2013!