Comedy Short Stories

2014 Thought of the Week


  • December 21st to December 27th -- I lost all my hair except one so that I had a reminder of what I used to look like.

  • December 14th to December 20th -- I asked for help from the help file and it told me to piss off!

  • December 7th to December 13th -- I rolled around in the mud with the pigs yesterday so I could be closer to fresh bacon.

  • November 30th to December 6th -- I ate so much bacon this weekend that I pooped a pig.

  • November 23rd to November 29th -- I lost my fingernail and went to the Police to report it missing!

  • November 16th to November 22nd -- I fed my bowl of milk some Frosted Flakes!

  • November 9th to November 15th -- My dog sniffed my butt the other day and passed out!

  • November 2nd to November 8th -- Went to the beach yesterday and the lifeguards stuck to me like glue. I guess it was the ocean drowning deodorant i had on!!

  • October 26th to November 1st -- I just finished washing the car and a raincloud rained on me. It laughed with a evil voice and mooned me. Damn raincloud!!

  • October 19th to October 25th -- Just finished someone else's tap water in a bottle. Also known as bottled water and it was tasty!!

  • October 12th to October 18th -- I had a dream the other night that i was a coffee bean and the coffee beans were humans. They ground me up, put hot water through my fine crushed body and drank the flavored water with their breakfast!! On a side note i smelled really good.

  • October 5th to October 11th -- I wanted to loose some weight so i took an electric turkey cutter and slimmed down a bit! Only problem afterwards was explaining why i did it to the emergency room doc!

  • September 28th to October 4th -- I was watching my tree's leaves turn color for the fall. To my amazement a leaf broke from the branch and began to fall. I swear that i heard it say as it fell, "I can see my house from here!!"

  • September 21st to September 27th -- Eating the farm this morning. Bacon, scrambled eggs (chicken embryos & milk), cheese & wheat bread!! I love eating the farm mornings!!

  • September 14th to September 20th -- Went to the beach yesterday and the lifeguards stuck to me like glue. I guess it was the ocean drowning deodorant i had on!!

  • September 7th to September 13th -- I farted twice in a trash bag, tied it up and gave it to the family for Christmas!!

  • August 31st to September 6th -- I was talking to a tree today and realized someting was wrong. I don't speak tree!!

  • August 24th to August 30th -- If you get your head dunked in a toilet in Austrailia by bullies in High School would that be considered a reverse swirly?

  • August 17th to August 23rd -- Had a gluten free meal tonight with a squeeze bottle of gluten on the side.

  • August 10th to August 16th -- I just got done with a ham, bacon and pork chop sandwich. Now i have a bad case of the pig squeals.

  • August 3rd to August 9th -- I had a dream last night that i was a vacuum sweeper. My lungs hurt when i woke up but at least the carpet was clean.

  • July 27th to August 2nd -- I just finished a juicy cheeseburger and it was like putting the N in moo!!!!

  • July 20th to July 26st -- Well, the squirrel with the crutches had a surprise for me this morning. He was standing in the middle of the road waiting on me. There was an awkward wild west stare down and then it happened. The squirrel raised his crutch above his furry head and i was jumped by about 27 squirrels all sporting crutches, wheel chairs, casts and braces. It was ugly for me as i couldn't match the ferocity of the wheel chaired squirrels. I was able to escape with a limp and tire marks on my forehead. I am planning my revenge and will make them pay tomorrow.

  • July 13th to July 19th -- Met up again with the squirrel with crutches. We again went to racing. He had me at 50 meters and before he got out of range i kicked a crutch from under his fuzzy arm. I win! I shouted at 5:30 in the morning. Take that squirrel!

  • July 6th to July 12th -- I was finishing up my walk and came across a squirrel on crutches. He challenged me to a race and i lost. Man i am out of shape!!

  • June 29th to July 5th -- I got beat up by the old lady greeter at Walmart. Apparently she didn't like the smirk on my face. So as soon as i get out of the hospitals ICU, i am going back to kick her old ass!

  • June 22nd to June 28th -- I ate a bunch of soap the other night for no real reason. I did get one benefit from it a couple days later. My poop smelled like lavender!!

  • June 15th to June 21st -- I followed the rainbow earlier after the rain fell. When i got to the end it was the water treatment plant and no gold. :(

  • June 8th to June 14th -- Don't you wish the moon could bust into Pacman and eat some stars while you watched?

  • June 1st to June 7th -- Have you ever wondered if the TV watches you while you are watching it?

  • May 25th to May 31st -- I was working the fireworks show last night but made a bad mistake. I put on my prosthetic arms, which were blown off last year, to ready the fireworks. I lite the fuze and realized i had my wooden arms on and soon went to the emergency room for burns. O-well, there is always next year.

  • May 18th to May 24th -- The dog just told me she didn't appreciate me pooping in her yard. I replied that it was payback for her pooping inside!!

  • May 11th to May 17th -- There were 12 ants sitting around the queens table when an uncle came in and ruined the entire vibe of the event.

  • May 4th to May 10th -- I made a bed out of silk worms but was not as comfortable as silk sheets.

  • April 27th to May 3rd -- I was eating paint chips and sniffing leaded gas to steady my hand in surgery!!

  • April 20th to April 26st -- It was that time of the month for me to shed my butt. The new one is quite shinny!!

  • April 13th to April 19th -- I ate so much ice cream last night that my udders are sore!!

  • April 6th to April 12th -- There was a tragic accident the other day when the river was cold and tried to use a heating blanket. The result was a horrific electrocution. He is survived by his wife the tributary and his kids swamp and waterfall.

  • March 30th to April 5th -- I mis-read the label yesterday and bought an anti-magnet. Now I don't know where to put it and the paper it was to hold up is on the floor. :(

  • March 23rd to March 29th -- My dog has big eyes and ears but he seems to have a problem of always getting under my feet in the kitchen!

  • March 16th to March 22st -- The dog keeps unplugging the sweeper when I get close to his bed. UGH!

  • March 9th to March 15th -- During a nightmare the other night I envisioned myself as Times New Roman Font having a tug of war against the following: S, *, #, and T!

  • March 2nd to March 8th -- I was hanging out the other day with my doppleganger and strangely enough he was pretty different then me.

  • February 23rd to March 1st -- I think it would suck to be a lion who was shot, stuffed and put up on a wall in some rich guys house to watch him stuff his mouth with candy bars.

  • February 16th to February 22nd -- Do they make tennis balls in every color of the rainbow?

  • February 9th to February 15th -- I found myself petting the cat sideways the other day. To my surprise he liked it and didn't remove my hand!

  • February 2nd to February 8th -- I often wonder about the difference between a hyphen and a minus sign.

  • January 26th to February 1st -- I was thinking the other day that green really hates yellow and blue.

  • January 19th to January 25th -- Have you ever snorted a Pixie Stick?

  • January 12th to January 18th -- I had coffee for breakfast, lunch, dinner and duing my Holiday break! Yeah!!

  • January 5th to January 11th -- There once was a man with wings that preferred driving because he was lazy!!

  • December 29th to January 4th --I had a salty lunch earlier today and when i got home i melted a few slugs with my tongue.