Comedy Short Stories

There's A Splinter in My Finger


          Splint etched out a moderate living at his job which provided him a humble home for his three children. His job was with the local government and he dealt with the less than desirables of society. He had seen most everything and nothing really shocked him. His only bright spot in the day was going home and being with his children. Since his wife's passing they all had become much closer.

          The children missed their mother and talked about her often around the dinner table. Splint had to make sure that they stuck to their strict diets due to their illness. Their mother had passed along a defective gene that caused their nervous system to react violently if they consumed cheap wood.

          One evening after the children had fallen asleep in their beds he thought about the day when a cure was discovered for their illness. He opened a bottle of his favorite beverage and propped up his feet as he stared into the night's sky. It was late in the evening when his buddy paid him a visit. He told Splint that there was a specialist that could potentially help his children. The excitement of the opportunity made him rush inside and begin their travel plans.

          The morning's sun peered into their home and the children soon rose from their slumber. Splint told them the exciting news and that they would be leaving soon to visit the specialist. Since he didn't have transpiration they would have to walk the great distance.

          The journey was long and proved to be an adventure as a chemical bomb nearly took the lives of his two youngest children. Thankfully the wind was blowing away from them and saved their lives. Splint had learned his lesson to always bring their portable respirators. The remainder of the trip was uneventful and after two days they arrived at there destination, the OCP office. He eagerly entered the building and made his way to the receptionist and asked for Dr. Pine.

          The receptionist called the names of his children and they all moved into a room where Dr. Pine was waiting on their arrival. One by one he reviewed their records and gave them a full examination. The expressionless look on his face didn't give Splint any indication if he could or would provide any positive feedback on a cure.

          The Dr. completed the last examination and sat for a few minutes putting together his response. "Mr. Splinter, I have some bad news." Splints stomach began to knot as he prepared for the worst. "It is my medical opinion, here at Oak, Cedar and Pine, that your children are cursed with a birth defect just recently identified as Composite-Titus. Unfortunately there is no known cure for the birth defect and the only method of treatment is designing a proper diet. I suggest that you switch them to a synthetic wood supplement to keep their nervous system in check." Mr. Splint has a tough time processing the diagnosis as if he was trying to will out a favorable response. He finally blurts out, "We're termites dammit, we are supposed to eat wood, not consume synthetic wood supplements." He shook his head in disbelief as he wondered if his insurance would cover such a radical treatment.

          He then asked the Dr. what would have caused this terrible birth defect. "I am saddened to say that the glue used to hold cheap wood together is the problem. It seems that more and more young adolescents in the colony are experimenting with this mind altering substance." Splint cannot believe his ears and he realizes that his wild youth and dabbling in illegal substances caused the damage in his children and not his wife. Mr. Splinter leaves the office with his children and they head towards home. Luckily the Dr. gave him a prescription he could fill at the local pharmacy.

          Several days later Mr. Splinter is back to work and assisting a new client that is addicted to cheap wood glue. This addict smokes, snorts, injects and licks his way into a mind altering state several times a day. Splint cannot believe the level of addictiveness that this pure form of glue has caused on the streets of the colony. He can only hope that adolescents wake up and heed the warnings of cheap glue addition.