Tales of Ass Whipping from the ER - Squirrel Punch

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Tales of Ass Whipping from the ER - Squirrel Punch

          “My name is Dr. Sar-Casim and I am the star and host of Tales of Ass Whipping from the Emergency Room. This show focuses around the Emergency Room Doctor, me, and patients in need of immediate attention due to a recent ass whipping. Our case this evening is about Mr. Smith. This is not his real name as he wanted to keep his identity secret in case the attacker was watching. This is a truly exciting first episode so let's get started.”

          The narrator begins speaking over the re-enactment of the ass whipping. “Mr. Smith was out for his walk on a beautiful autumn morning. He was listening to music on his phone through his ear buds. His lips moving to the lyrics of the heavy metal songs. About twelve minutes into his morning walk he glanced to his left and into a large oak tree. Sitting on the branch was his attacker watching him intently when it happened. Mr. Smith made eye contact with the attacker and the ass whipping began.”

          The show switches back to a darkened room where Mr. Smith is sitting in a chair recalling the events. “It all happened very quickly and at the time it was a blur. The squirrel bounded off his tree branch and charged through the thick green front lawn and launched itself at my head. The squirrel extended his back legs as they came into contact with my head sending me spinning and falling backwards hitting the ground hard.”

          The narrator starts as the re-enactment resumes. “The squirrel continued to beat Mr. Smith.” The show switches to a cartoon version of a squirrel beating a cartoon man with earbuds. “Mr. Smith eventually got away as the squirrel tired and returned to his tree. The ambulance arrived soon after and they brought him to the Emergency Room where Dr. Tru Sar-Casim administered to his wounds.”

          “They brought Mr. Smith into the Emergency Room and I began to treat his wounds. My initial assessment was deep scratch marks on the arms, legs and torso. A severe head impact was apparent with the lump rising in front of my eyes. His right leg was slightly crooked and appeared to be fractured. Several of his toes were nearly chewed off and when I turned him over I found the most serious injury. He had an oak branch shoved up into his rectum. I was taken aback by this as I didn't know how a squirrel could get the leverage to shove it up there. Perhaps he just ran really fast holding the branch and is a good shot. Either way we had to get Mr. Smith into x-ray to check out his leg for a fracture, head for a concussion and his bowels to figure out the best way to remove the branch. Mr. Smith truly received an ass whipping and for good measure had an oak planted in his rear on Arbor Day!”

          The show goes back to the darkened room where Mr. Smith is sitting. “I was lucky that the oak branch came out successfully with little bowel damage. My body healed but I still have nightmares about squirrels attacking me. I plead to everyone watching this show to be very afraid of squirrels that live in trees.”

          The narrator continues. “Mr. Smith's attacker has never been found. It's believed that he fled the neighborhood and could be staying with relatives. Please be on the lookout and call our tip line as you may be eligible for a reward.” The show switches to an artists rendition of the squirrel with his name as Mr. Fluffy Bottom. The narrator continues. “Tune in next week for episode 2 where we recap Mr. Smith's second ass whipping which sends him back to the Emergency Room.”

          Dr. Sar-Casim closes the show with these parting thoughts. “Mr. Smith visits my Emergency Room again but his ass whipping is from a hummingbird this time. Apparently the hummingbird thought he was a feeder as he was dressed in all red when he took his walk.”


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By Jay W. Colvin