Zombie Bob Is Cool

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COMEDY SHORT STORIES

Zombie Bob Is Cool

          There is a little island in the middle of a big Ocean that is inhabited only by Zombie's. This place is well known by the rest of the world and is where the Worlds Governments place their miscellaneous Zombie's for safe keeping. Most non Zombie's refer to the place as Zombie Island Zoo or ZIZ for short. ZIZ has been fenced in and every type of technology sensor has been put in place to maintain the highest level of security. This attention to detail has allowed for every type of Zombie to be residents on the island. The inhabitants include everything from Zombie Librarians to Zombie slugs. There are Zombie Parrots that have no feathers, Zombie Rats that look better than real rats and Zombie Zebras that are not that cool looking but have an impressive name.

          The regulation of this island and the Zombie inhabitants are overseen by the ROZO or Removal of Zombies Organization. ROZO is responsible for all aspects of tracking, capture, transport and island operations. This organization may seem harsh but it was not long ago that Zombies of every shape and size were being hunted and destroyed. It wasn't until a small boy by the name of Bob was attacked by a Zombie clown that non-Zombies began to realize that they needed rights. These rights were not going to be equal to non-Zombies due to their tendency to bite and infect others. When the elected officials put together the new act called the Zombie Freedom Act it passed without any opposition. That is when the island was procured and security installed to house the best and worst of the Zombie nation. The Zombie Freedom Act also laid out a governing body that would reside with both Zombie's and non-Zombie's. The wheels were set in motion and the Zombie round up began.

           It took many years for the island's construction to complete and upon the opening of the facility, ROZO needed to appoint someone on the island to keep the Zombie's in check. It was an easy choice and they appointed Bob into the position as he had been the catalyst for the Act and island to be in existence. Bob or Zombie Bob, as he was referred to now, was given the head office in a large white building located in the center of the capital city. Zombie Bob was so excited to be appointed as the President he wanted to appoint additional staff members. He called upon Zombie Clown to be his Secretary of State, Zombie Polar Bear as his Secretary of Defense and Zombie Gold Fish as his Vice President. As you can probably figure out there was some immediate challenges to his appointments and this was partly due to the Zombie virus that coursed through his body. There were also problems with having a Secretary of Defense as they didn't have or need one. The Vice President was confined to a small bowl that sat firmly on Zombie Bob's desk. So that left Zombie Clown to help Zombie Bob keep things running. It was a good thing that the population of the Island meandered around aimlessly and didn't care what Zombie Bob and Zombie Clown did.

          As time progressed the island started to show signs of neglect and problems from how Zombie Bob and Zombie Clown ran things. The Vice President had been eaten by a Zombie cat that happened to be visiting the President's office and Zombie Bob didn't realize that his second in command was missing until he needed his advice several months later. His Secretary of Defense had a snap from reality that proved to be highly problematic as Zombie Polar Bear randomly killed other Zombies that were not from the North Pole. Zombie Bob narrowly escaped his attack by telling Zombie Polar Bear that he was a Zombie penguin. I guess that kind of quick thinking was an example of why he was President.

          The demise of a good portion of Zombie Bob's cabinet didn't seem to affect him as he continued to make odd decisions even for a Zombie. He formed the Zombie Island beauty pageant to promote the attractiveness of the female Zombie. The event would take place in the town square and the pageant entrants would be subjected to different events to include stumbling, crawling, best removable appendage and musical ability. These unique events would be judged by a panel of five judges and the winner would get the office next to Zombie Bob and would be appointed to the first Secretary of Marketing position. This competition was so important to Zombie Bob that he devoted all of his waking hours to getting the pageant moving forward. Since Zombie's didn't sleep things moved along very well and the event was soon upon them.

          The time had come for the pageant to begin and Zombie Bob had done a marvelous job in the planning in terms of Zombie standards. He had gotten the best looking Zombies in the land which totaled twelve and they all represented some portion of the island and its own Zombie heritage. The event had pulled Zombie fans in from every corner of the island and they were able to seat comfortably around the newly constructed stage and runway. The five Zombie judges were sitting at the end of the runway and had the best vantage point for scoring the pageant. Zombie Bob put together an official flier with the event schedule, pageant participants, judges and event announcer. The flier has been reprinted below for your viewing pleasure.

Zombie Pageants Event Schedule

  1. Stumbling to start at 9 AM
  2. Crawling to start at 11 AM
  3. Best removable appendage to start at 2 PM
  4. Musical ability to start at 4 PM

Zombie Pageant Participant - Island Location They Represent

  1. Zombie Star Fish - Lagoon
  2. Zombie Stingray - Deep Port
  3. Zombie Butterfly Twins - Open Fields
  4. Zombie Librarian - The Library
  5. Zombie Goat Herder - The Mountains
  6. Zombie Sewer Worker - The Underground Tunnels
  7. Zombie Bald Lady - The Upper Side
  8. Zombie Tattoo Lady - The Lower Side
  9. Zombie Tree Sloth -- The Forest
  10. Zombie Harry Lady -- The Zombie Carnival
  11. Zombie Psychologist - Downtown
  12. Zombie Strawberry -- The Farm Belt

Zombie Judges List

  1. Zombie Bob
  2. Zombie Clown
  3. Zombie Weight Lifter
  4. Zombie IT Professional
  5. Zombie Cigar Maker

Zombie Announcer

  1. Zombie Comedian

          The crowds of Zombies were filing into their seats around the stage and runway. The city had never seen such business and the Zombie vendors where selling everything from frozen finger pops to deep fried vocal cords. The Zombies had never seen such hospitality and it took a great deal of restraint for them to not attack and eat each other. The seats were not padded but the Zombies didn't seem to mind as they anxiously awaited the pageant to start. The show was to begin at eleven in the morning and continue until all of the pageant contestants had completed the events. The excitement was almost too much to stand and that is when the pageant began with the rumbling into speech of the Zombie Comedian.

          The Zombie Comedian began with a handful of jokes that went over poorly and as if he could feel his momentum failing moved to announcing the first event. The stumbling event wouldn't be difficult for the contestants as that was one of their superior skills. The Zombie Comedian announced with great enthusiasm that the competition was officially started. The crowd erupted with drools, moans and some strange shrills. The Zombie Comedian waited for the crowd to settle and announced the first contestant, Zombie Star Fish. At this queue the Zombie Star Fish stumbled onto the runway and the Zombies with two arms clap with excitement at her brilliant performance. The Zombie judges reached for their score cards and begin to raise them into the air when it happened. The Zombie Pelican swooped down and snatched up the Zombie Star Fish into his mouth and flew off. There was no shock from the Zombie crowd as they thought this was part of the show. The Zombie Comedian appeared back on the stage and announced the next contestant, Zombie Stingray. He looked around in anticipation and after a few moments he moved slowly backstage and was gone for some time. The Zombie crowd began to get restless when the Zombie Comedian appeared from backstage and said that there was some bad news. Apparently Zombie Stingray had been removed from the large saltwater tank and died a most horrible death. This seemed to get the crowd's attention and there was some cheering and yells for high marks.

          The Zombie Comedian seemed to lose a bit of his humor when he announced the third contestant, Zombie Butterfly Twins. The Zombie Butterfly Twins stumbled onto the stage and completed a lap. There was a moment of silence from the judges and audience as if they were waiting for death to fall upon the Zombie Butterfly Twins. When no death was beheld on them the Zombie Comedian looked to the judges and asked for them to hold up their scoring cards. He did give them a quick reminder that a ten was as high as they could award. The Zombie judges passed out two's across the board and the Zombie Comedian said that the Zombie Butterfly Twins were in the lead with ten points. The Zombie Comedian was clearly excited that one of the contestants had lived and announced the Zombie Librarian. The stunning Zombie Librarian brought whistles and catcalls from the Zombie crowd as she completed her lap. The judges gave out three four's and two five's and the Zombie Comedian told the crowd the total of her performance was a staggering twenty two. There was a great amount of enthusiasm for the Zombie Librarian and the Zombie Comedian had bad news about the next two contestants. The Zombie Goat Herder had been killed by the Zombie Goats some minutes before and the Zombie Sewer Worker never showed up for the contest due to suffocating in a sewage drain the day prior.

          The Zombie Bald Lady and Zombie Tattoo Lady both had outstanding performances which earned each of them thirty points. The Zombie Comedian came out on the stage with further bad news as the Zombie Tree Sloth had thought the Zombie Harry Lady was a vicious predator and killed her. The Zombie Psychologist, who had been battling a bout of depression, killed the Zombie Tree Sloth and then himself. The Zombie Comedian seemed to be entertained by this three way Zombie murder and gave him more enthusiasm when introducing the last contestant, Zombie Strawberry. There were some looks of confusion on the Zombie crowd and Zombie judges as the Zombie Comedian had to help the Zombie Strawberry stumble down the runway. At the completion of this performance, the Zombie judges and Zombie crowd broke into a furious celebration. The Zombie judges responded to the excitement by awarding top marks and a perfect fifty. The Zombie Comedian joined in the celebration and after a few moments discontinued his participation when his left arm fell from his body. As it fell towards the ground a Zombie Dog caught it and left the area in a hurry. This didn't seem to dishearten his commentary as he recapped the remaining contestants. Zombie Strawberry is in the lead with fifty points. There is a tie for second place between Zombie Bald Lady and Zombie Tattoo Lady at thirty points. In third place we have Zombie Librarian at twenty two points and in last we have Zombie Butterfly Twins at ten points.

          At about five past eleven the Zombie Comedian emerged on the stage and to the Zombie crowd's excitement his arm had been pinned back to his body. It was missing some chunks of flesh from the Zombie Dog, but this didn't seem to concern the Zombie Comedian. He had further disturbing news that during the short intermission between events the Zombie Butterfly Twins had been eaten by the Zombie Librarian. Apparently the Zombie Librarian had forgotten she was allergic to Zombie Butterflies and died shortly after. The Zombie crowd was saddened by the loss of the hot Zombie Librarian but focused on the upcoming Zombie ladies. The Zombie Comedian introduced the Zombie Bald Lady and she emerged from backstage crawling and made her lap around the walkway. The Zombie crowd and Zombie judges were outraged by the glare from the sun off of her bald head which resulted in Zombie Bob disqualifying her from the competition. Apparently Zombie Bob had the authority to change rules during the competition and Zombie Bald Lady took a seat in the crowd.

          The Zombie Comedian introduced the Zombie Tattoo Lady and as she crawled down the runway. The Zombie Polar Bear appeared from backstage and attacked her. It was difficult to determine her injuries due to all of her Tattoo's. The Zombie Comedian separated the two Zombies' and he pulled the lifeless Zombie Tattoo Lady off stage. There were a few minutes of silence while the Zombie judges discussed the fate of the Zombie Tattoo Lady. It was during this silence that the Zombie Comedian started telling jokes about his Zombie Dog stealing his arm. The Zombie crowd didn't find these jokes funny and began to turn on him and was only saved when the Zombie judges had come to a ruling. The Zombie Tattoo Lady would be disqualified as they believed the Zombie Polar Bear was trying to give her performance a lift. The Zombie judges then declared the pageant winner was Zombie Strawberry. The Zombie crowd looked confused as they always did and left the area in unorganized departure. Later that day, Zombie Bob was sitting in his chair and gazed into the Zombie Secretary of Marketing office and was proud of what he had accomplished. The pageant had been a huge success and he knew further events for the island were in order. Zombie Bob looked down at his desk and upon the piece of paper that had many doodles and random thoughts written on it. His mind seemed to focus on one scribbled note and a Zombie smile came across his face. The next event would be a Zombie wrestling competition in the town square and planning would start immediately.

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