Comedy Short Stories

Punch a Squirrel


          It all started two years ago while I was walking through my neighborhood listening to some killer tunes. I really love jamming out to some metal as it gets my adrenaline rolling. The morning air was crisp with fresh dew pelting my face which isn't something I particularly care for but at least it's better than blindly walking through a spider web without knowing it was there. Then there are these worms that hang down out of trees on what I think are silk strings. I don't actually think it's silk but they are hanging from something most likely excreted from their bodies.

          My balance pivoted to the left and my thoughts of insects diminished from my minds eye and I struggled to wrap my mind around what just occurred. My forward momentum in addition to the jarring from things unknown caused me to stumble and spin into the middle of the street. My earbuds popped from my ears instantaneously removing the metal tunes. Unfortunately it was replaced by a long car horn and I knew something bad was going to happen. My body cringed in anticipation and within a millisecond my feet were above my nipples. My legs swung around like a clock running backwards and I caught a glimpse of a blue hood and reflective windshield. It was like a bad gymnast video as I fell face first into the moving vehicle. In the instance before I impacted my life didn't flash before my eyes but I did have a few interesting visions. The hood of the car was the same blue color of the Carolina sky and in the background I heard the song by James Taylor. I then traveled back to when I was in High School and trying to choke down a piece of lunch room pizza. I swear that they would go to abandoned buildings and cut up old carpet, warm it up and serve it. Perhaps I am being to critical of warmed up carpet because the pizza was far worse. The last image zoomed into focus like a cheesy effect during a business presentation to a widget factory. I saw a squirrel with taped hands like a boxer before they put on their gloves. What I saw the squirrel doing make me do a double take as it was punching a garden gnome.

My balance pivoted to the left and my thoughts of insects diminished from my minds eye and I struggled to wrap my mind around what just occurred. My forward momentum in addition to the jarring from things unknown caused me to stumble and spin into the middle of the street. My earbuds popped from my ears instantaneously removing the metal tunes. Unfortunately it was replaced by a long car horn and I knew something bad was going to happen. My body cringed in anticipation and within a millisecond my feet were above my nipples. My legs swung around like a clock running backwards and I caught a glimpse of a blue hood and reflective windshield. It was like a bad gymnast video as I fell face first into the moving vehicle. In the instance before I impacted my life didn't flash before my eyes but I did have a few interesting visions. The hood of the car was the same blue color of the Carolina sky and in the background I heard the song by James Taylor. I then traveled back to when I was in High School and trying to choke down a piece of lunch room pizza. I swear that they would go to abandoned buildings and cut up old carpet, warm it up and serve it. Perhaps I am being to critical of warmed up carpet because the pizza was far worse. The last image zoomed into focus like a cheesy effect during a business presentation to a widget factory. I saw a squirrel with taped hands like a boxer before they put on their gloves. What I saw the squirrel doing make me do a double take as it was punching a garden gnome.

          My nose woke up first and the hospital air hit my nostrils and I knew pain would be engulfing my body next. I was wrong as my eyes decided to open and start working which was a relief as I wasn't blind. It was moments later when the pain hit me like a Russian ballerina who ate too many whole turkeys impacting my chest and stomach. I slowly regained my senses and pushed the pain back so I could process my situation better. I elevated my head from the pillow and noticed that both of my legs were suspended in the air by wires and then I noticed the casts. "Huh," I said aloud and then it happened. The second wave of pain rose up in my bellybutton and moved down my legs and finally landed in my shins. That second rush of pain overwhelmed my senses and my body shutoff and I took a nap.