Comedy Short Stories

Spitty Toon

          It all started back in the early 1900's when I was born. My birth was nothing short of a fiery experience involving hammers and human sweat. The experience left me in an enclosed environment with only a small opening to gaze at the outside world. I thought my existence would be pretty basic as I sat in a General Store waiting for something to happen. It didn't take too long but enough to gather dust around my opening. The General Store's proprietor wiped away the dust and spoke about how special of a piece I was.

          It was a bit unconformable with my new owner's hand stuck in my opening. I didn't understand why he couldn't hold me by my base. I was thankful to have bright sunlight gazing around my new owners fingers and into my inner recesses. I heard my new owner saying hello to various patrons as the light illuminated my hole. It wasn't long until the sun disappeared and initially I thought we had gone back to the General Store. Perhaps he had second thoughts about purchasing me? That wasn't the case at all. The noise here was almost deafening and it took me a few moments to get used to it. I could hear people talking about gambling, ladies and cursing that would make me blush if I could. It was a very lively place that almost made me miss the General Store.

          Thankfully my new owner sat me down and from what I could tell it was a very dirty floor covered in things I didn't care to know. I figured it would be my final spot and prepared myself for what I was built for. It didn't happen immediately and in fact it took quite a long time. It wasn't until after the music started that I received my first stream of chewing tobacco and spit. They say the first time is the worst but I can say every time was horrible. Once the patrons found my location I was being used in a furious manner. It wasn't long before i was filled to the top and someone was nice enough to dump the nasty out of me. From that time forward I was only touched when it was time to empty so I cherished those moments. In time the patrons unloaded their vile fluids less inside of me until one day it stopped. There was a nice calm period where I was able to gather dust again. But that too changed and I soon found coins being stored in my hole. I guess the life of a spittoon is like that.