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Comedy Short Stories

The Inner Workings of Candy Hearts


          There was a man that I met in the deepest jungles of the Philippines. The reason for my visit to the deep jungles is not relevant for this story but suffice it to say I was there. The man whose name I couldn't pronounce or spell will simply be known as Mr. U. Mr. U was a unique individual that had one of the most incredible occupations. He constructed candy hearts for Valentine's Day.

          I walked around his simple hut establishment and gazed through the handmade heart boxes and their elaborate designs. Mr. U sat intently on a wooden stool and looked generally at me as I found a box that looked just right. I picked it up from its position on the dusty table and when I turned to approach Mr. U he was standing in front of me. I was shocked and overwhelmed by how fast he had moved across his shack to receive his money. To my disbelief he didn't take the money from my hand but pulled the box from me and began to speak. "This box is magical and contains the inner workings of the candy Valentine hearts." My jaw must have fallen off as I couldn't form any words to respond. This didn't seem to bother Mr. U as he continued on as if he was used to it. "When you break the seal of the box it reveals the hearts and you can hear them speak in their native tongues. There are two things that you need to keep in mind. The first is that the magic wears off in an hour. The second is that you cannot consume them during this time as you will die a most horrible death." There were still no words escaping my mouth but this didn't seem to bother Mr. U as he pulled the money from my hand and pushed me from his hut.

          It only took me three days to get back to my hotel room and rode every type of vehicle conceivable to get there. I was so excited to be back in civilization and a five star hotel that I ordered room service. A knock came from the door and woke me as I realized that I had dozed off on the bed. It took me several moments to gain my senses so I could manage to open the door. There stood a stout man pushing a cart filled with glistening food. I quickly signed the room charge invoice and gave him a handful of money from my pocket. He seemed as excited as a Lottery winner and I wondered how much money I had given him as a tip. The food smell soon overpowered my desire to figure out the tip and my hand fell upon the trays on the cart. There were burger's, wings, pasta, pizza and some yellow looking soup that I skipped. It was probably about twenty minutes later that I emerged from behind the cart with the debris of my gluttony on my clothes.

          There was a long silence in the room after my eating frenzy had concluded and I knew that TV was in my future. It took a few minutes to locate the remote as it had somehow put it in one of the empty trays and was lucky that I didn't eat it as well. The TV illuminated and my brain was online to the stimulation of the local shows which were uninhibited with their content. It only took about ten minutes and three times through the rolodex of channels to find no uninhibited content. I said aloud, "This sucks!" and turned the TV off. I sat on the bed and looked at the ceiling trying to figure out what to do and it struck me. I went to my suitcase and removed the heart shaped box and sat it on the bed where it looked at me with extreme interest. It didn't take long to remove the seal and lid from the box. I was holding my breath with anticipation as I waited for the commentary to emerge but it didn't. I looked harder into the box and saw many small shaped hearts with little sayings on them. There were several classics like 'I Love You', 'Hugs', 'Kiss Me' and 'Couples Rule.' I reached into the box and grabbed an 'I Love You' and looked at it closer. There was still no talking or communications from the hearts and a harsh realization started to overcome me that I had been swindled by Mr. U. I tossed the heart back into the box and there was a loud "ouch" that emanated from it.

           I peered into the open box and said, "Are you OK?" I got a response that made me jump a bit. The voice had a strong Brazilian accent and said, "I love you very much but please don't throw me away like that. I need to be loved." My eyes filled with excitement as I couldn't be imagining this and responded. "Are you from Brazil?" There was a moment's pause and the 'I Love You' heart responded. "I was imported from Brazil but the other 'I Love You' hearts are from different countries around the world. We were all chosen because we represented the best in the world to offer love." This was so fascinating that I nearly forgot that there were other hearts in the box. I regained my senses and spoke again. "Where are the rest of you from?" It was quickly apparent that my question was the wrong approach as I got responses from every heart in the box. I waited for the speaking to stop and thought of another approach that would get better results.

          I looked at the clock on the wall and fifteen minutes had already transpired. I needed to pick up the pace. I reached into the box and removed a 'Kiss Me' heart and sat it in front of me. "Where are you from?" I asked. The 'Kiss Me' heart responded. "I am from Puerto Rico and you should kiss me." I was a bit taken aback by this but figured you only talk with candy hearts once. A few kisses later and I placed the candy heart to the side and moved on to the 'Hugs' heart. I glanced at the clock and I had apparently taken a bit more time with the 'Kiss Me' heart as there was only ten minutes left. I asked the question quickly of the new heart. "Where are you from Hugs heart?" A male voice came through and said, "I am from Russia and I like to hug everyone I get near." This one didn't catch me as much as the first two so I put the 'Hugs' heart back into the box and removed 'Be Mine'. I didn't even need to ask a question as the 'Be Mine' heart spoke. "I would like for you to only be mine. I also suggest that you don't look at any more hearts because I am it for you." This candy heart had attitude and a certain flair that caught my attention so I asked the question. "Where are you from?" There was no response and I glanced at the clock to see that the hour had expired.

          The alarm clock woke me from my sleep and when I gained my senses I looked to the chair in the corner. I had placed the box of candy hearts securely in the seat. I didn't consume any of the hearts as it seemed like they were alive after the previous night's events. I also thought that if I kept them safe until the following year's Valentine's Day that I could get my last question answered. The morning was consumed with packing and getting ready for my flight back to the States. The cab ride to the airport was uneventful other than the driver clipping a few mini motorcycle riders along the way. They went flying into the air and hit the ground hard. The airport was soon reached and after some fun checking my bag and the candy hearts I relaxed at the gate. The flight had been long but filled with the memories of talking candy hearts. I wondered how many others had experienced this as it seemed too crazy to believe. Could the hearts have been tainted with some drug that induced hallucination? It was possible but why had they not caused a second round of candy heart conversations when I removed them at the house? I would just have to chalk this up as reality and enjoy the time I spent with them.

          It was a few days after I returned home that I was surfing the Internet and landed upon a video clip website. I skimmed over the site and found a top five of the day and started viewing them. All of the clips were boring except the number one rated video which looked very familiar. There was a man sitting on a bed in a hotel talking to what looked like candy. As I looked closer at the video I realized that the sound on my laptop was off so I quickly turned it on. The audio from my speakers slapped me in my face as the voice was mine. I replayed the video several times before I figured out that my hotel room had a secret camera and recorded my candy hearts experience. As I watched the video for the twelfth time I shook my head as I kissed, talked and caressed the candy hearts. The embarrassment was extreme as my eyes read the title of the video. The Man That Spoke To Candy Hearts on Valentine's Day.