Comedy Short Stories

Watch Out For The Windshield


          Her name was Blotchy and she was sitting on the corner thinking through all the bad choices she had made throughout her life. She was so ingrained in thought that she didn't move and it was some time before a realization came upon her face. She knew her only remaining option was to get enough money to pay back her debts and that was through theft. Blotchy had guilt about these thoughts and future actions, but she had no other legal ideas that could retrieve this much money. She was upset with herself as she thought about her past.

          She had dropped out of High School during her sophomore year. This lack of education left any potential employers declining her for work. Fortunately she was able to find work when she was younger as a server at a restaurant. This place was a healthy facility that served leafy plants and high protein grubs and worms. She enjoyed working for the owner, but didn't care for the undesirable clientele that would always seek out her tables. The smell in her uniform at the end of the night was also something she was not fond of but overlooked it as she was employed. The job eventually ended in flames as she got upset at one of the customers and dumped their lunch all over them. This sudden loss of control was unlike her and resulted in her termination. She was lucky to find her second job serving exotic drinks at an exclusive nightclub. She was rather good at promoting a variety of these drinks to include the famous dandelion haze, the red rose and the fresh tobacco which was her personal favorite. This job also went well for some time but she soon found herself being entangled with the owner. This turned out to be the downfall of her job and ultimate freedom as the owner made her one of his dancers.

          Blotchy was not very good at dancing with the pole and had to work very hard to master the complicated maneuvers. She enjoyed her time in front of the crowds, but her relationship with the owner started to unravel and arguments between them intensified. There was one evening in particular that was rather nasty in which the owner had enough of her arguing and fired her. This left Blotchy in a terrible state of unemployment and without a home to dwell. During this period she was unable to find a job as the owner had discredited her name and made threats to any potential employers. This left her with only one option and that was to beg for her job back. The owner knew she had no other option and offered her a position as a call girl. Blotchy saw no other solutions and begrudgingly accepted his offer.

          Blotchy found that her clients were of high caliber since signing up as a call girl with the owner, Lefty. The honeymoon period didn't last long as Blotchy had anticipated and she became less and less fond of giving Lefty so much of her earnings. As her tolerance for him decreased she made more and more fun of his missing left leg which he had lost in a mid-air collision. Then the day came when Blotchy had enough and of the abuse and of being a call girl. She marched into his office and told him she was leaving to pursue some other line of work. He laughed at her comments and told her that the weekly payment was still due if she wanted to remain alive. Blotchy didn't expect this and left the nightclub knowing that she would have to steal in order to make her payments.

          Patty was running late and had to finish her Grocery shopping. Thankfully she knew the store very well and was able to navigate the isles, customers and employees with the greatest of ease. Her cart quickly filled with milk, cheese, pasta, wine, beer, frozen meals and several loafs of bread. Her cart was guided as though by the hand of a higher power and was soon checking out. The bagger was odd and appeared to be from another planet with his purple hair and pierced lips impeding him from speaking clearly. This delayed Patty's response to paper or plastic. Thankfully the cashier jumped in and clarified that plastic was the desired bagging method and was soon departing the door with great determination. Her vehicle was close to the door and the bags flew into the trunk and after securing the doors she was off to the house.

          Blotchy was watching from afar as Patty had hastily packaged her vehicle and absent mindedly left her purse in the cart. This was her moment to seize and without any forethought she swooped down upon the cart and took the purse and its contents. Blotchy quickly moved out of sight to a secured location and greedily looked through the contents. In her grasp was the wallet that contained a stash of money and multiple credit cards. These items would be her saving grace to pay Lefty and remain alive for another week. Blotchy replaced the purse in the cart with an IOU message for Patty.

          Blotchy soon found herself in front of Lefty's prominent nightclub, Black Spots. Her tentative knock on the door was just loud enough for the security guard to let her in. The hulk of a specimen moved her into the adjacent room where Lefty was waiting for her. She thrust the money into Lefty's outstretched hand and he smiled intently. Blotchy turned and left the building feeling worse than ever and wondering where her next payment would come from.

          Patty returned to the Grocery store in excitement to get her purse back, but was not thrilled on the loss of money and credit cards. As she sat in her car looking through the purse, she noticed a small hand written note in untidy writing. It took Patty some time and her new glasses to make out the words.


          Dear Patty,


          I am so sorry to have taken your money and credit cards but I am in a bad situation. I have used your money to help pay off debt to a nasty man named Lefty so he doesn't terminate my life. All I can say is that I will pay you back in full.


          Thank you,


          Blotchy the Lady Bug


          Patty read through the letter several times and placed it back into her purse thinking. She should be feeling sympathy for Blotchy but found it difficult as her hard earned money had been taken from her. She wondered why Blotchy hadn't gone to the Lady Bug police to file a report and get protection from Lefty. Why had she not gotten a celebrity to take up her cause and have a charity concert in her name to raise the funds? These contemplations didn't seem to help as the only conclusion she could muster was that no one could trust a Lady Bug.